I love Christmas it is my favorite feast day. The holiday season makes me feel beautiful even if I tend to hide behind the gifts and sparkles and lights. This holiday is about family, not me. However, if you look close enough kinky sexy me is still there.
Content note for self-harm
One-day, two-day, three-day, eighty.
It seems ironic that my mental health would take a nosedive in May: Mental Health Awareness Month. During this time, I am more cognizant of possible mental health issues, reading articles, meditating, and writing about mental health more. However, as time ticks on, I am aware that I am becoming less capable of coping with the chaos of the world. Or perhaps the world is becoming more chaotic than ever before? Both statements are true.
A significant sign that I am slipping when it comes to dealing with my anxiety and depression is that my people pleasing personality becomes more prominent than usual. It becomes apparent that the need to please everyone is seeping into all that I do. The awful problem with trying to please everyone is that I never feel good enough for anyone. This is a lesson and an old demon that I thought I had put to rest.
That is the trick depression plays on its sufferers; if you have maintained a healthy mindset for a long period, it’s easy to talk yourself into believing the illusion that you are recovered or have moved past your mental illness.
In the beginning of quarantine I am hanging on, not losing too much sleep, and not slipping into the deep dark rabbit hole that depression is. I am talking to Dr. Payne and I know He has me, and He will help me. Then I hit a major bump in the road: my personal physician decides that she wants me to try a new medication for my asthma.
This medication doesn’t simply lead me to slip down into the rabbit hole of depression, it throws me there head first and I am suddenly lost in a maze of awful thoughts: “Nobody loves me, and I can’t do anything right!” Then thoughts of self-harm creep in, “Why am I here? Something sharp cutting into my arm would feel better than these feelings!”
Depression lies to you; it tells you that making people happy is the only way to be loved. It also tells you that nobody loves you. I then feel that I must hide my feelings from those around me. Depression and anxiety begin to constantly whisper in my ear that Dr. Payne and Princess care more about each other than they do about me.
That is not true, and I know it isn’t true, but there are times at 2 am when anxiety tells me I have to make things perfect, that doing so is the only way to be happy. In those moments I lose my grip on my emotional and mental wellbeing. I then fall back asleep, and when I wake up, most days I am in control of the negative thoughts.
There are moments of clarity when I can see happiness and daylight, and I talk to my partners about what is going on in my head. However, this is not easy.
As time marches along, and what the world tries to refer to as the “new normal” becomes a scary thing, I ponder what the current state of the world and its unpredictability mean for my mental health. I fear I may not make it to the end of 2020 as an emotionally stable person.
I must fight the demons, the demons of fear that tell me I am too much emotional garbage to be worthy of anyone’s love and attention.
I can tell myself that I am worthy. I can stand up tall, smile, and say that I am loved, I am worthy. But there are moments when I wonder if fear is right, and I am the one lying to myself.
As we talk about the struggles, Dr. Payne reminds me that when times are rough it is more important than ever to rely on our protocols, those things about Power Exchange that keep us grounded. I wish it were as easy as that. I find I have to remind myself that I am collared and owned, that I am no longer the person who struggles daily with being in charge of myself. I fall back on old shameful behaviors that I should know do not work for me. We have had more tension events than is normal, and my anxiety and inability to remember who I am now is often at the center of the tension.
The world is still chaotic, and Dr. Payne tries to filter the outside disorder as much as possible. As time marches on and quarantine is extended, ten-weeks, twelve-weeks, thirteen-weeks, thirty, I touch and acknowledge my protocols and daily tasks: the simple act of drink service, blessing Sir’s tea, and kneeling at His feet when I am in need of guidance. I continue to love and support Princess, and give consent daily to the person who has agreed to be my Dominant, to protect and love me: Dr. Payne, my husband, my Dom, my forever partner.
It took me years to come to a place of realizing that I am worthy. I can’t imagine submitting without that realization. A few years before Dr. Payne collared me, I started a mantra, suggested to help with self-confidence: “I am worthy of God’s gifts and open to receive them.” My anxiety became worse as if my soul were rebelling against the thought of being worthy. At that time, I still wasn’t ready to believe I was worthy of anything good happening to me.
I wish I could say it was easy to get to a path of self-acceptance and self-love, but that isn’t accurate. Some days I still feel unworthy and I imagine I am not alone.
Would a power exchange relationship be possible without any feelings of worth or self-love?
- Would I accept his dominance, and guidance?
- Would I accept his help in furthering my personal goals?
- Would I accept his direction with any of life’s dilemmas?
- Would I speak up for myself inside our dynamic to voice my wants, desires, or concerns?
The answer is: no it is not.
- I accept his guidance because I gave him that power over something I value.
- I accept his guidance for my personal growth because I love him as I love myself. My growth is a sign to others of my Dominants’ mastery of his sub.
- I accept his direction to not lead me into an undesirable situation because I am worth loyalty.
- I accept that he wants my opinions and counsel; my judgment is worth something to us both.
If I was waiting for him to make me accept and love myself, this would not work. If I am not worthy, why would he accept my counsel, or help me grow? If I were unworthy, how could he trust I would do what he says; be an example of his mastery. Because I know that I am worthy, I am guided, lead, listened to, and loved.
I know I am worthy of all the work he puts into me, and into us. I am worthy of his Dominance and I freely submit.
For me, being submissive is who I am. This doesn’t mean it is easy. There are times when life gets stressful. I get stuck in my own head and try to go it alone. But most days I remember I am loved, and I remember that I am worthy.