I Am okay with that

In my first public scene, I was terrified. I knew Dr. Payne expected me to be naked. He intended to help me get over my personal body issues. He was also testing my trust and obedience.

My personal self-image has come a long way even if there are moments, I loathe all the little imperfections and scars.

For the most part, being part of the kink community has given me a new outlook on how beautiful we all are all of our differences are what makes us beautiful.

For today here I stand in the open, naked in nature confident and happy with the image of me I see. Today I am okay with me.

I submit because I am worthy.

It took me years to come to a place of realizing that I am worthy.  I can’t imagine submitting without that realization.  A few years before Dr. Payne collared me, I started a mantra, suggested to help with self-confidence: “I am worthy of God’s gifts and open to receive them.” My anxiety became worse as if my soul were rebelling against the thought of being worthy. At that time, I still wasn’t ready to believe I was worthy of anything good happening to me.

I wish I could say it was easy to get to a path of self-acceptance and self-love, but that isn’t accurate. Some days I still feel unworthy and I imagine I am not alone.

Would a power exchange relationship be possible without any feelings of worth or self-love?

  • Would I accept his dominance, and guidance?
  • Would I accept his help in furthering my personal goals?
  • Would I accept his direction with any of life’s dilemmas?
  • Would I speak up for myself inside our dynamic to voice my wants, desires, or concerns?

The answer is: no it is not.

  • I accept his guidance because I gave him that power over something I value.
  • I accept his guidance for my personal growth because I love him as I love myself. My growth is a sign to others of my Dominants’ mastery of his sub.
  • I accept his direction to not lead me into an undesirable situation because I am worth loyalty.
  • I accept that he wants my opinions and counsel; my judgment is worth something to us both.

If I was waiting for him to make me accept and love myself, this would not work. If I am not worthy, why would he accept my counsel, or help me grow? If I were unworthy, how could he trust I would do what he says; be an example of his mastery. Because I know that I am worthy, I am guided, lead, listened to, and loved.

I know I am worthy of all the work he puts into me, and into us. I am worthy of his Dominance and I freely submit. 

For me, being submissive is who I am. This doesn’t mean it is easy. There are times when life gets stressful. I get stuck in my own head and try to go it alone. But most days I remember I am loved, and I remember that I am worthy.