It hurts

Photo by Bianca Salgado from Pexels

Today it hurts

My mental illness tries to own me

The anxiety throws me into the undertow

The depression drags me under

I worry if Sir will see me struggling and pull me out

Will He notice or will I quietly slip away

Then He takes my hand

He grabs my collar

He looks into my eyes

He says, “come back to me”

I remember who owns me

And the hurt is eased

I am chaos. You can’t handle my chaos.

It’s almost impossible for anyone other than a therapist to handle my anxiety. If you were to see us at events, I appear the sweet submissive, fifties housewife. I look put together and polished, exhibiting proper protocols, always collected, calm and self-assured.

What you don’t see is the churning chaos under the surface. That possibility that I might suddenly bolt and run. My Dom holds the leash that masters my chaotic submissive soul. Most often metaphorical, but sometime real. He recognizes the chaos; Sir knows when it is about to bubble over.

One of the beautiful things for me in Power Exchange is the connection. When trust, respect, honesty and communication are all in play you get this beautiful connection between the two people exchanging power. This emotional connection is my invisible leash.

If you think Dominance is just about telling someone what to do no matter what, with or without consent, then trust, respect, honesty and communication won’t be there, and the chaos can’t be contained. For me the anxiety bubbles out in unpleasant ways in any relationship where any of those things were not there.

Consent comes after the trust, respect, honesty and communication and it is imperative to control the chaos. I have that with my Dom. My Dom appreciates my chaos, sometimes it fuels us both.