The space in my head

Subspace; it starts as soon as the binding are on. It continues, it deepens as we make our way through the scene.

The pounding leather on my back and tickling of electricity all work to bring out the screams, the release.

Slowly one tear rolls down my cheek. Soon they are pouring, tears and snot running around my gag.

I scream and spit around the gag. All the emotional pain: I scream it all out.

There is no more room for this in the space in my head. I only want the calm of subspace where everything feels right.

The Cold Air

Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels

The soft black cloth went over my eyes. Take away my sense of sight, and I am instantly turned on. I find being blindfolded, unable to see, relying only on my trust in my Dom, as a level up on my submission. It is yet another way I show Him how much I trust him. The feeling of total surrender, and no chance of turning back turns me on beyond what my old vanilla self could comprehend.

We drove for what felt like hours. I had no idea where Sir was taking me. As we drove the normal sounds of city traffic slowly faded away. Sir was playful, occasionally he had reached over and caressed my knee, then thigh, my neck.

“You are so sexy Kitten. Who do you belong to?”

My reply was charged with an extra amount of sexual tension. “I belong to you, Sir.”

I felt the shift of the car as it traveled winding roads. The popping of my ears several times indicated we had traveled to higher elevations. I heard the car tires crunch on gravel as we came to a stop.

I noted the opening of Sirs car door and there was more crunching of gravel as He walked to my side of the car and opened my door. I was dressed as I had been instructed, a light sundress and comfortable shoes. I felt a cool breeze. Sir unbuckled me and helped me to my feet. As I stood inhaling the fresh mountain air. It was cooler here. I heard Him close and the passenger door, and I felt a soft fleece blanket placed around my shoulders.

“Wait here.” He said. I sensed Sir walking to the back of the car, and I heard the trunk open and close.

Taking my hand, we began to walk. “Follow me.”

“Yes Sir!” I replied.

“Do you trust me?” He asked moving so close to my ear it became warm.

“Yes Sir. I trust you.” I smiled with anticipation of experiencing something unknown. This not knowing what a scene will be is a kink for me, the anticipation is part of the thrill. I have agreed to this, I understand deeply what it means to surrender.

I was led across uneven ground feeling the crisp air on my face, hearing the dry leaves under my feet.

Occasionally we stopped as He guided me over an obstacle. Then suddenly we stopped, and I heard Him drop what sounded like a duffle bag. Suddenly the blanket was yanked off my shoulders. I heard the blanket fall on crunching leaves.

“Sir, may I pee?” I asked tentatively. It had been an exceptionally long drive.

“Yes, Kitten you may. Do it right here where you stand. Don’t take off your panties.”

I did as I was told. I let my bladder empty and felt the warm liquid create a little pool in my panties before it gave way and ran through the material and down my legs. This was an amazing feeling

Sir asked again, “Do you trust me?” before I could answer, he added, “This is the last opportunity to turn back.”

“I trust you Sir. I know I am safe.”

“Present for binding. “ Sir commanded.

I stretched both arms straight in front of me, and felt the familiar soft lined leather cuffs, placed on my wrists. My arms were each pulled, extended out and up, presumably to trees. Next, He bound my ankles, and my legs were stretched wide. The last act of binding was to remove my day collar and put on my true collar. “Mine.” He whispered in my ear.   

I felt a cool breeze, goose bumps popped up all over my skin. It was not just because of the cold. The explicit feeling of abandonment had my nipples so hard they hurt. My pussy was already wet and could smell the intoxicating aroma of urine mixed with the scent of arousal.

I heard Sir rustling through the bag, items were thrown out on ground, and suddenly the unmistakable sound of chain. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t felt the chain yet, just the sound gives me goose bumps. The chain was dropped near my feet, but not close enough to touch.

“We are in the middle of nowhere.” Sir was back at my side. “I can do whatever I want, nobody can stop me. You can’t stop me.”

There it was that flicker of fear as my gut clenched. “I trust you.” My voice quivered, and I am not sure who I was trying to convince, Him or me.

I felt something cold on my neck, just below my ear, then a sharp point lightly pressing into my skin. A knife was now being trailed across my neck and down toward my cleavage. I heard the tearing and ripping as he sliced through the front of the dress.  More tearing as he slowly cut the dress off of me, and I felt it fall away.

Despite the cold air I was hot and sweaty. Sir continued to cut away my clothing. My bra, slowly one strap at a time. Then I waited, breathing heavily, for what might come next. The sexual energy was so intense I thought I might have an orgasm from the anticipation alone.

I waited, breathing, sensing that He was just standing there, watching me. I suddenly wondered; might he just leave me like this. I could hear birds and the sound of the wind through the trees, but nothing else no traffic or city noise. We were miles from anything. He was enjoying the anticipation, I was certain of it, and I was certain there was much more to come.

I have no idea how long I stood there, shivering waiting. Then He moved again, placing the side of knife blade against my pussy lips through my soaked panties. Next, he drug the knife up, and sliced one side of my panties. He slowly drug the knife over to the next side, one last slice and I was completely naked.

I felt the drip of sexual anticipation run from my pussy down my inner thigh. More moments of nothing. I was beginning to wonder if I might orgasm or die from anticipation, maybe both. I heard His pants unzipping, and clothes being discarded. From behind I felt a hand between my legs as He felt my wet pussy, then suddenly His thick cock shoved into me. His member was harder and thicker than I ever remembered, and for a moment I almost panicked. Had He betrayed a hard limit, was this someone else? No this was my Sir, it must be.  He began to fuck me slowly pounding into me and I came violently squirting all over his cock. It was made intense from the hours of anticipation.

He pulled out, and there was more waiting. He was breathing heavily. I heard him move in front of me now and felt his warm lips on my clit. This was my Sir. The man who knows my needs and wants so well. He sucked and licked, and stuck his fingers inside me, I did not take long to cum all over his fingers, and I continued to cum for many more minutes. He continued to eat my pussy until my knees were beginning to buckle. The only thing keeping me upright were the bindings stretching me open and exposed.

Sir moved up the front of my body and sucked my nipples, it was intense, they were so rigid a sharp pain ran through them. I came again.

My legs were sticky.

Sir moved once again to my back, and again His cock entered my pussy, slowly he fucked me: one two three four orgasms, they just kept coming and he kept thrusting into me, deep and hard like I love.

I knew the noises; I could tell Sir was close to cumming. Suddenly he bit into my neck, and I came with Sir; it was that electric type of orgasm the kind that feels like a needle of electricity driving up through my clit.

I was limp, hanging from my binds. I began to shake, followed shortly by the sobbing that accompanies an intense sexual scene.

I felt the blanket wrap around my shoulders, and my arms and legs were released, and Sir lowered me to the ground. He wrapped his arms around me, and we laid on forest floor. The blindfold was removed.

“I love you Kitten.”

“I love you Sir,”

A simple Spanking

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Random spankings, I love these. Those moments of normal domestic life when I pass Dr. Payne, and he grabs me, bends me over something and swats my ass a few times. I love that warm feeling like my butt is glowing. Such a lovely innocent way to put kink into our everyday routine. Those brief moments when I can focus on us and our power exchange.

However, on this occasion something was different. I thought nothing of it when we passed each other in the bedroom one Saturday morning, and Dr. Payne bent me over the bed. I smiled with anticipation.

Two or three swats, and instead of the calm warmth I often feel; I was clawing at the bed cover with dread of what I was suddenly aware was about to happen.  I felt it welling up in my chest, that tight feeling, as my eyes began to water. It only took a moment:  I was sobbing.

These were not tears of pain, instead it was that gasping, clawing, mewling sob that comes from somewhere deep inside until it makes its way to the surface in cathartic release. I wasn’t even a planned release we often expect from a scene, when we know we need to get something out. This was sudden, shocking and I was unprepared for it.

Was it actually the spanking or had the process started as soon as I bent over? Putting myself in a physical position of surrender reminds me that Dr. Payne has me, he owns. He wants me to express my pain. In expressing my pain and releasing all my suppressed negative emotions, I am more capable of fully surrendering.

Misery requires attention, and the pain gives me an opportunity to focus on that thing some frustration or emotion pain that must be addressed.  If I give in and allow the cleansing of the emotional wound, I am opening myself up for growth. It would be so easy to just accept the pain but ignore where the core of the pain is coming from.

If I didn’t allow the cleansing, but instead used the pain as a distraction from whatever it was, I really needed to confront or focus on, I would be missing an amazing opportunity for healing and growth.

Often what I need to release is as minor as some frustration from a bad work week. However, this time, as can often be the case, it was is so much more: The buildup of weeks of stress. In some cases, it is an accumulation of years of emotional pain I have tried desperately to bury and ignore. But here it was these raw emotions spilling out onto the bed cover.

Though I may try to presume most days are ordinary they are not always. Somedays my anxiety is set off by the smallest of things: Two or more people at work demanding my attention at once, an errant driving cutting me off on the highway, or even some small task I forgot to do suddenly remembered. The act of submitting for Dr Payne in these moments allow me the opportunity to expel unresolved emotions. My pain, anxiety, and thoughts about the world around me, are not random they are opportunities for growth.

The energy that binds

It started simply enough – I escorted our girlfriend Princess to the couch. Underneath my simple black button-up dress I wore matching black panties, bra, garter belts, and stockings. Dr. Payne had already told me how sexy I looked, and the raised eyebrow and smile from my girlfriend were all I needed to know that she felt the same way. I am energized and aroused by the knowledge that my partners find me as attractive as I feel in sexy lingerie.       

Nights for all three of us to be together can be difficult to schedule. This sometimes makes me feel anxious that there is a level of expectation for the evening that I cannot meet. All the same, the start of the evening was charged with eager anticipation. It had been a few weeks since we’d had the opportunity to share the sexual energy of all three of us together.

Just sitting close to either Dr. Payne or Princess excites me, thrills me. With the three of us together on the couch, fondling mixed with a little dirty talk created an intense passion that you could feel in the air.

“I love to watch the two of you fuck!” I said. Dr. Payne smiled and raised an eyebrow at me. Princess blushed. I sometimes find it interesting to be with someone who is outwardly shyer than I, yet inwardly far more sexual!

Dr. Payne smiled. “Really? Let’s see how much you love it,” He said, leading us to the bedroom. The sexual energy that happens when three people who deeply care about each other are in the same room is amazing. I took off my dress, but everything else remained. Stockings and garters always make me feel sexy. Dr. Payne instructed me to kneel. He slowly draped cold chain over me and around my hot body. Then He moved Princess in front of me, gave her one end of the chain, and instructed her to carefully wrap it around my neck. She tugged on it, not so hard as to hurt, but enough for me to feel it and know that I was not in control.

My pussy was sopping, and my panties were getting soaked. Dr. Payne looked over Princess’ shoulder into my eyes, as if He were holding the chain. This energy, this sexual connection that is about more than just sex is difficult to explain or put into words, but just thinking about it has me feeling sensual, hot.

In these moments with the three of us, it is my pleasure to do things to Princess that Dr. Payne instructs me to do. It is the pleasure of service mixed with my attraction to her. I eagerly helped her get comfortable by removing her dress and getting us both onto the bed.

A wicked grin crossed Dr. Payne’s face. “Lick her ass!” Oh, the immediate thrill. This is an act He knows I have enjoyed doing for Him and that I was thrilled at even the idea of doing to Princess. How sweet this was, any sexual gratification I give Princess is exciting, but I am especially fond of the new experiences. It does not hurt that the sounds she makes when she is sexually aroused are amazing.

After a few moments of this I was eager to get to her pussy. I licked every enjoyable fold of Princess’ perfectly shaved girly bit. Her taste is so very luscious and intoxicating; I adore the sounds and the simple act of making her moan as much as I love her taste.

Then it was her turn to eat my pussy. Princess is amazingly in tune with how to make me squirm for her. Dr. Payne licked my nipples. My nipples are amazingly sensitive, and I can orgasm from having them licked alone, so having my pussy and nipples ravaged at the same time was like no other sensation I had experienced before. My orgasm felt like electricity was surging in arcs throughout the room. I squirted in Princess’ mouth; this makes her giggle, which in turn does amazing things to the orgasm. The puddle I left was substantial.

Time became a blur after these moments of intense orgasm. I remember tongues and squirting pussy juice, both mine and Princess’. I can recall the sensation of Dr. Payne lightly biting my nipple and the tingly feeling that goes down my body when He does this. I remember my girlfriend and I worshipping Dr. Payne’s cock – licking, sucking, and caressing.

I have an image in my head of Dr. Payne biting Princess’ inner thigh and the look of bliss on her face. I also remember Him biting my butt, and the bruise that later formed. The act of being bitten is something I enjoy as an afterthought, but not necessarily in the moment.

The final catalyst for shared orgasmic bliss was when I sat on Princess’ face while she ate me out and Dr. Payne fucked her. This shared intense moment with both of my partners is always so wonderfully sensual. I love these moments of perfect symmetry.

In the end we simply laid in the drenched sheets, all smiling at each other. I felt as sexy completely naked and sated as I did when the evening began. The simple pleasure of each other’s company in this post-orgasmic haze was enough to lull us to sleep.

The cold metal plug

The sensation, and the emotional thoughts. It was sexy because nobody but Dr. Payne knew that I had it there, reminding me of its presence every time I shifted or moved. This was going to be an interesting day.

The feeling of cold metal on my bare skin is hard to describe. It’s like ice, but different; like the sting of a whip, but different. It is my kink; just the thought of cold metal on my skin makes my panties wet.

Dr. Payne gave me a simple order; “Pick a day, any day, and wear this to work, all day. You may not remove it until you get home.” He stood there holding the shiny silver princess plug with the pink jewel on the end.

Thankfully, I was not given this task on a Friday evening. My pussy was already wet.  I could not wait. I was immediately making plans to do this the next day.

The next morning as I went about my normal morning activities, I kept reminding myself, “Don’t forget the princess plug! Don’t forget the princess plug.”

It was the last thing I did before leaving for work. The cold metal sensation as it entered my ass was amazing. The cold spread through my body. My commute was an adventure of sensations produced by every tiny bump on the road.

As I went to start my day, there was the thrill of hiding something under my panties that nobody was aware of. I felt so sneaky and dirty. My coworkers had no idea.  I tried to concentrate on actual work, but this metal orb lodged in my ass was terribly distracting.  I spent more time in the ladies room that day than normal:

  • I took a picture to send to Dr. Payne.
  • I masturbated to several orgasms as quietly as I could.

More often than not I just played with the jewel to feel the sensations of it moving around. Sometimes a fellow employee would stop by my desk to chat, but I couldn’t pay any attention to what they were saying. I wanted to play with it some more.

As time went on the pleasure and excitement faded. There was something I hadn’t considered at the beginning of this little adventure. My body temperature was heating up the plug.

It did not help that it was a hot summer day. I texted Dr. Payne to inform him that I was becoming uncomfortable.

The response on my phone was quick, “If you take it out, I’ll have to punish you.”

“Sadist.” I texted.

A smiling devil emoji was the final response.

The last couple of hours at work were uncomfortable to put it lightly. The ride home was still an adventure of sensations, but they were quite different sensations.

I walked in the house and headed straight for the bathroom. It had become unbearably hot. I removed the offending hot object. As I was preparing to clean it and put it away, Dr. Payne came into the bathroom to watch me. He smiled wickedly.

The thought of the dirty kinky thing beneath my clothes that my coworkers were unaware of still thrills me. Next time, perhaps an overnight spent in the freezer would be wise. Maybe I will try this in winter.

The act of SHAME

How is it that as a kinky person I still feel shame for something I do? In fact, it’s the most sexually ordinary thing I do: masturbation.

I am delighted to write kinky stories, but to talk about my own masturbation makes me turn red and want to hide my face. Masturbation is something most kinky people will talk about freely, so why do I find it so hard?

I will masturbate for Dr. Payne, but to talk about sticking my fingers in my pussy or to use a toy, leaves me squeamish.  Is it the act, or the account, that I find shameful?

It’s an odd level of shame I have trouble understanding, and it sticks with me. Why? As a submissive my life is full of personal and sexual exploration. It is very much what I am about. Dr. Payne and I tell people to feel what you are going to feel. We know from experience that bottling up feelings and denying who you are is emotionally toxic.

Thus, I find myself asking: what is my deal with masturbation? Is talking about the act of sticking my fingers into my moist pussy a necessary thing?  I feel it’s something I have to explore.

Why do I have any shame about this, and why do I feel this need to figure out that shame?

There are kinks I now love and embrace happily, that were once hard limits. I did not accept these kinks as a part of me. In the early days, even the thought of getting naked in a public dungeon wasn’t just shameful, it was horrifying! There was a certain level of self-confidence I needed to get to, and a level of shame for those specific things I needed to get past.

So now I am back to wondering why I do I have this sense I need to examine and get past this most basic of sexual activities? Might it be that my need to get past this shame has to do with a very big fear: If I do not keep moving forward—learning, growing–might I go backward to the person who was ashamed of everything about themselves and had no self-love?

I understand how important it is to not let negative emotions control me, and shame was an awfully controlling force in my life for many years.

At the heart of why I need to assess my shame in talking about masturbation is about the fact that at some level, I am still allowing shame to seep in and control certain parts of my thinking. If I am allowing shame to control me who am I really submitting to?

Now I’m back to the shame and how do I get past it? Is it about the act?

The answer is in the why I need to delve into this: It is about my submission to Dr. Payne. In my heart I have a deep need to serve Dr. Payne and I desire to please the people around me. Masturbation is often a solo thing, for my pleasure only. Pleasing myself and doing thigs strictly for myself has been historically a difficult thing for me.

In the end it seems I am still learning to love me and allow myself to be sexually free and allow myself to do things that are just for me.

Soon I may be writing tales of sticking my tiny pink vibrator in my dripping pussy and squirting all over my sheets. 

Hmm.  That didn’t feel shameful to write.  Maybe, like masturbation itself, practicing writing about masturbation makes perfect.