I want to talk to you guys about “drop” for a second. “Drop,” the shorthand name, is the feeling you get after a Big Thing. I deliver a presentation on Drop, and I’m proud to have delivered it to the Lifestyles & Society group at my employer. I teach people this: Drop is the vacuum of adrenaline’s retreat. All your emotions get charged, all your senses get put on high-alert, and you endure your event–could be a convention or conference (con-drop), could be a marathon (runner’s drop), could be a big project at work (PMO-drop), could be a formal dinner or even a big fancy party. Once your BODY convinces your MIND that everything is back to normal, Drop moves in to fill the space with a host of phrases like “that was close” or “can’t wait to do that again” or “I hope I didn’t embarrass myself” or myriad other panic. We, the People of the United States, have just gone through a polarizing and divisive period in our history. Regardless your affiliation, it’s not at all uncommon to be calm and focused during high-tension events. When it’s over? Man, that’s when Drop comes in and GETS YA. That’s when your breakdown happens: not DURING the trauma, but immediately following. As Trump leaves office and the vaccines begin circulating, that is where We the People are. Please hold your derision. It could take days–if not weeks–for everyone to realize it’s OK to climb out of our emotional burrows.
It’s more complicated than it seems.
I asked for a date similar to what Dr. Payne had with one of his other partners.
He smiled and said, “You have to wear a collar.” We say it was my introduction to kink and submission and I often say that wearing a collar for the first time was as if I found my missing puzzle piece. In retrospect, my road to submission started many years before when I realized that it wasn’t my job to make other people happy, likewise, it was not other people’s responsibility to make me happy. The beginning of my journey into submission began with a journey into self-acceptance.
I spent too many years thinking people would love me if I could make them happy; I would be loved if I was perfect, or if I did everything exactly the way they wanted. I was often trying to guess what would make others happy and Dr. Payne often said “You know what to do to make me happy!” That was all before D/s.
We are not mind-readers! There is this thought that if you love someone enough you will just “know” what they want without being told. I’ve seen this in couples that have been happily married for many years. It appears from outward appearance they intuitively know what the other person wants or needs. However, that is what we see from the outside. What we do not see is the communication and years of miscommunication that preceded that intuitive response. It is so much work to get there and never as perfect as it looks.
If you are a people-pleaser like me, it takes an amazing amount of courage to say to yourself, “It isn’t my job to make people happy.” It took me years to get to a place where I was happy with who I was. It started with that simple realization and the thoughts processes that had to change following that understanding.
I had to find what makes me happy.
I had to explain to people close to me what makes me happy.
If the people around me didn’t appreciate what made me happy, I had to be alright with this.
I can’t force someone to love who I am or who I am becoming.
It took years of retreats, of reading, and of looking at the little things that made me happy, until those little things connected to big things; the things I was passionate about.
Going to the gym changed from “Can I make myself skinny and attractive enough?” to “I feel better and sleep better when I exercise regularly!”
I don’t know the exact key to happiness for any one person. I know what worked for me and it wasn’t easy. Much of it depends on understanding what makes you happy, and having the courage to look at yourself to change the things you don’t like.
When I was at my emotional lowest and thought it was my responsibility to make others happy, agreeing to put on a collar—even for one evening—would have been impossible. When you are stuck in a place where you are always trying to please others, you are also stuck in a place of I’m-not-good-enough and very often nobody-loves-me.
One of the first questions I asked about wearing a collar was, “Will you humiliate me in public?” Dr. Payne said “No.” I knew that if He betrayed my trust in this, I had the courage to take that Velcro collar off and walk away. Without self-love, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start the adventure, because I didn’t have the courage to get out.
It was a cheap Velcro collar purchased at a local adult store. As I got closer to the day Dr. Payne would take me on that first collared date, I had come to a place of acceptance. I had gotten to a place where I was able to accept that wearing a collar and speaking to Him in a certain way for one evening would not define me. Yes, it did define me, but I wasn’t afraid of it defining me.
I submit because I know who am, I love me, I am not afraid, and I know who I belong to.
In my first public scene, I was terrified. I knew Dr. Payne expected me to be naked. He intended to help me get over my personal body issues. He was also testing my trust and obedience.
My personal self-image has come a long way even if there are moments, I loathe all the little imperfections and scars.
For the most part, being part of the kink community has given me a new outlook on how beautiful we all are all of our differences are what makes us beautiful.
For today here I stand in the open, naked in nature confident and happy with the image of me I see. Today I am okay with me.
I love the sexy lacy things but still, there are the moments I just still want to just be naked. It’s cold, and hardwood floors do not give warmth. Therefore here I am cuddled in a warm blanket.
Subspace; it starts as soon as the binding are on. It continues, it deepens as we make our way through the scene.
The pounding leather on my back and tickling of electricity all work to bring out the screams, the release.
Slowly one tear rolls down my cheek. Soon they are pouring, tears and snot running around my gag.
I scream and spit around the gag. All the emotional pain: I scream it all out.
There is no more room for this in the space in my head. I only want the calm of subspace where everything feels right.
Random spankings, I love these. Those moments of normal domestic life when I pass Dr. Payne, and he grabs me, bends me over something and swats my ass a few times. I love that warm feeling like my butt is glowing. Such a lovely innocent way to put kink into our everyday routine. Those brief moments when I can focus on us and our power exchange.
However, on this occasion something was different. I thought nothing of it when we passed each other in the bedroom one Saturday morning, and Dr. Payne bent me over the bed. I smiled with anticipation.
Two or three swats, and instead of the calm warmth I often feel; I was clawing at the bed cover with dread of what I was suddenly aware was about to happen. I felt it welling up in my chest, that tight feeling, as my eyes began to water. It only took a moment: I was sobbing.
These were not tears of pain, instead it was that gasping, clawing, mewling sob that comes from somewhere deep inside until it makes its way to the surface in cathartic release. I wasn’t even a planned release we often expect from a scene, when we know we need to get something out. This was sudden, shocking and I was unprepared for it.
Was it actually the spanking or had the process started as soon as I bent over? Putting myself in a physical position of surrender reminds me that Dr. Payne has me, he owns. He wants me to express my pain. In expressing my pain and releasing all my suppressed negative emotions, I am more capable of fully surrendering.
Misery requires attention, and the pain gives me an opportunity to focus on that thing some frustration or emotion pain that must be addressed. If I give in and allow the cleansing of the emotional wound, I am opening myself up for growth. It would be so easy to just accept the pain but ignore where the core of the pain is coming from.
If I didn’t allow the cleansing, but instead used the pain as a distraction from whatever it was, I really needed to confront or focus on, I would be missing an amazing opportunity for healing and growth.
Often what I need to release is as minor as some frustration from a bad work week. However, this time, as can often be the case, it was is so much more: The buildup of weeks of stress. In some cases, it is an accumulation of years of emotional pain I have tried desperately to bury and ignore. But here it was these raw emotions spilling out onto the bed cover.
Though I may try to presume most days are ordinary they are not always. Somedays my anxiety is set off by the smallest of things: Two or more people at work demanding my attention at once, an errant driving cutting me off on the highway, or even some small task I forgot to do suddenly remembered. The act of submitting for Dr Payne in these moments allow me the opportunity to expel unresolved emotions. My pain, anxiety, and thoughts about the world around me, are not random they are opportunities for growth.