I lost myself

TW – self harm, depression

It was harder and harder to concentrate on tasks.

I stopped writing.

I was frequently asking for clarification of tasks and instructions from Dr. Payne.

Then I stopped obeying all together.

I know how to take care of myself. I know I should love myself. I know how to be obedient. When my head’s on straight, obedience to Dr. Payne is second nature. It sounds simple; yet, some days it is almost impossible to take care of myself, then a vicious circle starts:

  • If I don’t take care of myself my depression takes over instead of Dr. Payne.
  • If my depression takes over, I don’t want to take care of myself.
  • If my depression takes over I stop trusting.

I had become certain Dr. Payne and Princess were plotting to kick me out of their lives.

That was it: I was hopelessly lost down the rabbit hole and couldn’t find my way out.  Fear convinced me everyone wanted me there, nobody loved me, and nobody was going to help me find my way back to me. I felt stuck between the dead and living, in a limbo state I thought I would never have to visit again. I didn’t ask to go there, but once I was in that place I felt I deserved to be there.

I re-read my writings; I knew I wrote this, but I suddenly had no idea who this person was and how I was going to be like that again. I had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I thought I had dismissed years ago.

But being stuck in that place it became extremely hard to ask or even want help. I was convinced I deserved every bad thing that happened.

It has now become a loop. I’ll have few good days, but then I am hopelessly lost again. They are becoming fewer and farther apart, but I still have some awful downward spirals. They can las moments, but often are several hours.

So how do I get back to where I want to be; need to be?

  • Supporting my partners!
  • Kneeling at my Dominant’s feet!

I have thoughts. I have a plan. This is not a day-by-day or week-by-week process, it’s more like minute by minute, and hour by hour. I hope that soon minutes will extend into hours, hours will extend into days, and days will extend into weeks. Then I’ll know I’m making progress.  For now I have to measure progress by minutes and hours.

This process to get back to a healthy mental state starts with some serious self-evaluation. You must be able to admit you need help, then you must take the steps to get the help. You must allow the people around you to help and support you. Easier said than done.

If you are in this hole with me as you read this; trust me, we can do this no matter what our brain is telling us.

Without help and intervention you can get stuck in issues of fear and react to the people around you with hostility.

You must have your Dom’s support in this. Below are some of the steps I am taking, all with Dr. Payne’s support:

  • I talked to my partners and told them I was struggling.
  • I found a kink-friendly therapist.
  • Being able to speak openly about my dynamic and partners was especially important.
  • When I could not find anyone locally that said they were kink-friendly, I looked for therapists that said they were sex-positive or LGBTQ+ friendly and sent them an email to ask. Don’t give up; this is a really important step.
  • I am doing all the things my therapist has told me to do:
  • Purchased the book she recommended.
    • Spending time outside more often.
    • Connecting with friends even if it is just online.
  • Exercising again.
  • Getting enough sleep:
  • I was staying up too late not always doing anything terribly worth-while.
  • Watching what I eat, and eating enough:
    • Historically I had been a stress eater, but now I was having trouble wanting to eat. Low-blood sugar is not helping my moods.
  • Reading again:
    • Intellectually stimulating fiction and non-fiction, to change my negative thought patterns.

Don’t run away and hide; stay connected to your friends and community, and people who will encourage a healthy mindset.

Avoid people who:

  • Pity your mental illness,
  • Try to compare their pain as being worse than yours.
  • Openly scold you for feeling that way.

Fear and depression will tell you nobody loves you, but this isn’t true. You need compassion, from others and for yourself.

I went down the rabbit hole, it didn’t happen over-night. My depression was slow and sneaky. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was already lost. The road back to stable, manageable days will not happen overnight either, and it’s not something to be taken lightly. Do the work, listen to the people who genuinely care.

Concentrating is still hard, but I have started to write again. Gradually I am finding myself again.

I submit because I am worthy.

It took me years to come to a place of realizing that I am worthy.  I can’t imagine submitting without that realization.  A few years before Dr. Payne collared me, I started a mantra, suggested to help with self-confidence: “I am worthy of God’s gifts and open to receive them.” My anxiety became worse as if my soul were rebelling against the thought of being worthy. At that time, I still wasn’t ready to believe I was worthy of anything good happening to me.

I wish I could say it was easy to get to a path of self-acceptance and self-love, but that isn’t accurate. Some days I still feel unworthy and I imagine I am not alone.

Would a power exchange relationship be possible without any feelings of worth or self-love?

  • Would I accept his dominance, and guidance?
  • Would I accept his help in furthering my personal goals?
  • Would I accept his direction with any of life’s dilemmas?
  • Would I speak up for myself inside our dynamic to voice my wants, desires, or concerns?

The answer is: no it is not.

  • I accept his guidance because I gave him that power over something I value.
  • I accept his guidance for my personal growth because I love him as I love myself. My growth is a sign to others of my Dominants’ mastery of his sub.
  • I accept his direction to not lead me into an undesirable situation because I am worth loyalty.
  • I accept that he wants my opinions and counsel; my judgment is worth something to us both.

If I was waiting for him to make me accept and love myself, this would not work. If I am not worthy, why would he accept my counsel, or help me grow? If I were unworthy, how could he trust I would do what he says; be an example of his mastery. Because I know that I am worthy, I am guided, lead, listened to, and loved.

I know I am worthy of all the work he puts into me, and into us. I am worthy of his Dominance and I freely submit. 

For me, being submissive is who I am. This doesn’t mean it is easy. There are times when life gets stressful. I get stuck in my own head and try to go it alone. But most days I remember I am loved, and I remember that I am worthy.