Her skin

Her skin, the feel, and smell of her are near to a kink. When we’re close together, I can’t get enough; I nuzzle her, I bite her.

I am continually amazed at my desire for her and her consent to my nibbles and exploring hands. I could eat her for hours.

My consent is never implicit.

Photo by Katarzyna Kos on Unsplash

I know we might refer to these as a consent violation, however I am talking about specific consent violations. Those times you are at a Kink event, Kink friendly munch or dungeon party and an individual who you don’t know thinks because you are “THERE” they have consent to touch you, take pictures of you or address you in some inappropriate manner.

Yes! Sitting in the community area of a dungeon; after the cuddle and after-care phase, someone I did not know walked up and put his hand on my bare shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!” I said angrily pulling away.

“You seem agitated.”

“You’re touching me, and I don’t know you!”

“OH, I’m sorry just wanted to be sure.”

This is shortened, but I think you understand. And before anyone comments yes, we informed security at this event.

At that moment I was shocked. Who would dare touch someone they did not know in a public dungeon, at an EVENT? There are signs everywhere saying DON’T DO THIS! So, it was the last place I expected it. Then guilt crept in. My first few events I had expected the possibility of some errant moron, thinking they could claim me as their own. However, almost two years later, it was a surprise. Was it my fault, had a let my guard down? Had he noticed me looking at his shoes a few minutes earlier and assumed invitation?

We were at an event where the organizers and everyone present was familiar with us. But even the people who know us, would ask before a friendly hug. And if they were concerned for my safety that’s not how they would have approached me.

Yes, it can happen. It has happened to me on three occasions in two years; not exactly that way, but still some unexpected way in a place I assumed I was safe. As a community we can’t let our guard down. We must continue to educate, to prevent such violations becoming a more regular occurrence.

What if I was new myself? Without the protection of my Dom I would have been vulnerable to someone who had more harmful intentions.

My point is it’s easy to become complacent in these settings. I became comfortable. I trust my Dom and it has always been swiftly and diplomatically dealt with. Others may not be so lucky.

Consent is never implied. 

The Justified Beating?

I identify as submissive and only play with one person: my Dom. However, I was recently asked to top someone for a very specific scene. I declined.

Not for the reason you may think. This was a unique situation. This person was struggling with submission and needed the catharsis. I understand the need for purging; that release is freeing!

I have a grievance with this person we were trying to move past. Could this be what we needed to get there?

In this case I am not certain release would happen in the way that was needed and expected. My decision to not seek resolution in this manner was based on some important concerns. At the root, I believe this person has chosen to submit only because they want to please a partner. I am also aware this person has very low self-worth. Potentially this leads to a belief that this is what they deserve. Not a healthy motivation in BDSM.

If a person is denying themselves, and their true intentions and come into kink from an emotionally unhealthy place, do they truly understand what they are consenting to? At its core I could potentially do far more damage than any potential healing. True healing can only happen if they really want to be healed.

As a top in a scene there is a certain amount of responsibility. The bottom is putting their trust in you and you in them. Honesty, I believe is imperative for consent. Can I fully consent in a situation where information or feelings are intentionally withheld from me?

It’s not for me to judge if this or any person is emotionally healthy enough to make that call. But it is for me to say that, in this case, I will not take that chance.