I submit because I am worthy.

It took me years to come to a place of realizing that I am worthy.  I can’t imagine submitting without that realization.  A few years before Dr. Payne collared me, I started a mantra, suggested to help with self-confidence: “I am worthy of God’s gifts and open to receive them.” My anxiety became worse as if my soul were rebelling against the thought of being worthy. At that time, I still wasn’t ready to believe I was worthy of anything good happening to me.

I wish I could say it was easy to get to a path of self-acceptance and self-love, but that isn’t accurate. Some days I still feel unworthy and I imagine I am not alone.

Would a power exchange relationship be possible without any feelings of worth or self-love?

  • Would I accept his dominance, and guidance?
  • Would I accept his help in furthering my personal goals?
  • Would I accept his direction with any of life’s dilemmas?
  • Would I speak up for myself inside our dynamic to voice my wants, desires, or concerns?

The answer is: no it is not.

  • I accept his guidance because I gave him that power over something I value.
  • I accept his guidance for my personal growth because I love him as I love myself. My growth is a sign to others of my Dominants’ mastery of his sub.
  • I accept his direction to not lead me into an undesirable situation because I am worth loyalty.
  • I accept that he wants my opinions and counsel; my judgment is worth something to us both.

If I was waiting for him to make me accept and love myself, this would not work. If I am not worthy, why would he accept my counsel, or help me grow? If I were unworthy, how could he trust I would do what he says; be an example of his mastery. Because I know that I am worthy, I am guided, lead, listened to, and loved.

I know I am worthy of all the work he puts into me, and into us. I am worthy of his Dominance and I freely submit. 

For me, being submissive is who I am. This doesn’t mean it is easy. There are times when life gets stressful. I get stuck in my own head and try to go it alone. But most days I remember I am loved, and I remember that I am worthy.

You’re welcome!

I love the 3-day Kink events, the classes and community always feel like coming home. At one such event as I was attempting to fix my stockings for the hundredth time; A friend walked by and commented, “On behalf of everyone here this weekend, thank you!’

The effects of social distancing on my anxiety.

I get to work from home!  I was relieved, and maybe a little excited to be given permission to disconnect socially for the foreseeable future. It meant I would be avoiding the daily onslaught of people and things that influenced my ability to manage my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Lacking a commute meant sleeping in, and more time for me and my personal projects. I am introverted by nature: I rarely feel I get enough time to be still with myself and recharge.

The scary truth is, my own mind is often my worst enemy. A few weeks into working from home, a major problem with this disconnection is becoming apparent: it creates a breeding ground for Anxiety’s close cousin, Depression.  It’s been creeping in for small periods, but now it really wants to move in. Sometimes I would rather be curled up in bed than be productive

As humans we are wired to be social, which is problematic for us anxious introverted souls: the need to socialize is often at war with the need to be left alone.  When online for work during the week, my extroverted coworkers are starting to message me—sometimes video—and I find I am not dealing well with that unpredictable nature.

My sleep is becoming disrupted. I am waking up at 3AM unable to sleep, and lay there thinking about unimportant things: “I really need to mop!” and also truly terrifying things: “Will I be mentally well enough to return to work once this is all over?” My daily meditation time is becoming more relished, but harder and harder to quiet my mind. I am also realizing there are some unusual effects on my sex drive: I swing wildly from wanting to be cuddled to being mercilessly fucked. Sadly masturbation is less interesting: I am craving the human contact.

Even in a strong, seasoned Power Exchange relationship this kind of stress can be difficult. I find I am being reminded of protocols that were second nature a few weeks ago and, now strained, are allowing my brain to replay bad tapes over and over. The support of my Dom is important: Dr. Payne would never take my mental health for granted. However, I am starting to feel guilty for needing so much from someone who is living in the same situation and has their own set of responsibilities and fears.

We have a protocol that has become my best friend–you know, the kind of friend that reminds you to do the right thing even when you don’t want to. I have a standing order to express my feelings to Dr. Payne. All my feelings: the good, bad, and the horrifying. We are talking more than usual about where we are emotionally, and I find I am relishing these moments of connection. It helps me keep focused to know I am not alone in dealing with whatever my mind dishes out.

A sad realization has come to light in these moments of sharing: I am not truly alone. We are all cooped up at home together. Therefore, we must find ways to truly disconnect and unplug, even if for short periods, from everything that tugs at our attention. I am spending more time outside in my garden or just sitting on the front porch. If I can’t take care of myself and my mental health, I am missing an opportunity to serve, and I must take care of Sir’s property. To that end, I get to serve at home. I find comfort in those still moments when I can kneel at Sir’s feet.

What basic act of service gets you centered when everything demands your attention?

I am chaos. You can’t handle my chaos.

It’s almost impossible for anyone other than a therapist to handle my anxiety. If you were to see us at events, I appear the sweet submissive, fifties housewife. I look put together and polished, exhibiting proper protocols, always collected, calm and self-assured.

What you don’t see is the churning chaos under the surface. That possibility that I might suddenly bolt and run. My Dom holds the leash that masters my chaotic submissive soul. Most often metaphorical, but sometime real. He recognizes the chaos; Sir knows when it is about to bubble over.

One of the beautiful things for me in Power Exchange is the connection. When trust, respect, honesty and communication are all in play you get this beautiful connection between the two people exchanging power. This emotional connection is my invisible leash.

If you think Dominance is just about telling someone what to do no matter what, with or without consent, then trust, respect, honesty and communication won’t be there, and the chaos can’t be contained. For me the anxiety bubbles out in unpleasant ways in any relationship where any of those things were not there.

Consent comes after the trust, respect, honesty and communication and it is imperative to control the chaos. I have that with my Dom. My Dom appreciates my chaos, sometimes it fuels us both.

The Justified Beating?

I identify as submissive and only play with one person: my Dom. However, I was recently asked to top someone for a very specific scene. I declined.

Not for the reason you may think. This was a unique situation. This person was struggling with submission and needed the catharsis. I understand the need for purging; that release is freeing!

I have a grievance with this person we were trying to move past. Could this be what we needed to get there?

In this case I am not certain release would happen in the way that was needed and expected. My decision to not seek resolution in this manner was based on some important concerns. At the root, I believe this person has chosen to submit only because they want to please a partner. I am also aware this person has very low self-worth. Potentially this leads to a belief that this is what they deserve. Not a healthy motivation in BDSM.

If a person is denying themselves, and their true intentions and come into kink from an emotionally unhealthy place, do they truly understand what they are consenting to? At its core I could potentially do far more damage than any potential healing. True healing can only happen if they really want to be healed.

As a top in a scene there is a certain amount of responsibility. The bottom is putting their trust in you and you in them. Honesty, I believe is imperative for consent. Can I fully consent in a situation where information or feelings are intentionally withheld from me?

It’s not for me to judge if this or any person is emotionally healthy enough to make that call. But it is for me to say that, in this case, I will not take that chance.