I want to talk to you guys about “drop” for a second. “Drop,” the shorthand name, is the feeling you get after a Big Thing. I deliver a presentation on Drop, and I’m proud to have delivered it to the Lifestyles & Society group at my employer. I teach people this: Drop is the vacuum of adrenaline’s retreat. All your emotions get charged, all your senses get put on high-alert, and you endure your event–could be a convention or conference (con-drop), could be a marathon (runner’s drop), could be a big project at work (PMO-drop), could be a formal dinner or even a big fancy party. Once your BODY convinces your MIND that everything is back to normal, Drop moves in to fill the space with a host of phrases like “that was close” or “can’t wait to do that again” or “I hope I didn’t embarrass myself” or myriad other panic. We, the People of the United States, have just gone through a polarizing and divisive period in our history. Regardless your affiliation, it’s not at all uncommon to be calm and focused during high-tension events. When it’s over? Man, that’s when Drop comes in and GETS YA. That’s when your breakdown happens: not DURING the trauma, but immediately following. As Trump leaves office and the vaccines begin circulating, that is where We the People are. Please hold your derision. It could take days–if not weeks–for everyone to realize it’s OK to climb out of our emotional burrows.
It’s more complicated than it seems.
I asked for a date similar to what Dr. Payne had with one of his other partners.
He smiled and said, “You have to wear a collar.” We say it was my introduction to kink and submission and I often say that wearing a collar for the first time was as if I found my missing puzzle piece. In retrospect, my road to submission started many years before when I realized that it wasn’t my job to make other people happy, likewise, it was not other people’s responsibility to make me happy. The beginning of my journey into submission began with a journey into self-acceptance.
I spent too many years thinking people would love me if I could make them happy; I would be loved if I was perfect, or if I did everything exactly the way they wanted. I was often trying to guess what would make others happy and Dr. Payne often said “You know what to do to make me happy!” That was all before D/s.
We are not mind-readers! There is this thought that if you love someone enough you will just “know” what they want without being told. I’ve seen this in couples that have been happily married for many years. It appears from outward appearance they intuitively know what the other person wants or needs. However, that is what we see from the outside. What we do not see is the communication and years of miscommunication that preceded that intuitive response. It is so much work to get there and never as perfect as it looks.
If you are a people-pleaser like me, it takes an amazing amount of courage to say to yourself, “It isn’t my job to make people happy.” It took me years to get to a place where I was happy with who I was. It started with that simple realization and the thoughts processes that had to change following that understanding.
I had to find what makes me happy.
I had to explain to people close to me what makes me happy.
If the people around me didn’t appreciate what made me happy, I had to be alright with this.
I can’t force someone to love who I am or who I am becoming.
It took years of retreats, of reading, and of looking at the little things that made me happy, until those little things connected to big things; the things I was passionate about.
Going to the gym changed from “Can I make myself skinny and attractive enough?” to “I feel better and sleep better when I exercise regularly!”
I don’t know the exact key to happiness for any one person. I know what worked for me and it wasn’t easy. Much of it depends on understanding what makes you happy, and having the courage to look at yourself to change the things you don’t like.
When I was at my emotional lowest and thought it was my responsibility to make others happy, agreeing to put on a collar—even for one evening—would have been impossible. When you are stuck in a place where you are always trying to please others, you are also stuck in a place of I’m-not-good-enough and very often nobody-loves-me.
One of the first questions I asked about wearing a collar was, “Will you humiliate me in public?” Dr. Payne said “No.” I knew that if He betrayed my trust in this, I had the courage to take that Velcro collar off and walk away. Without self-love, I wouldn’t have had the courage to start the adventure, because I didn’t have the courage to get out.
It was a cheap Velcro collar purchased at a local adult store. As I got closer to the day Dr. Payne would take me on that first collared date, I had come to a place of acceptance. I had gotten to a place where I was able to accept that wearing a collar and speaking to Him in a certain way for one evening would not define me. Yes, it did define me, but I wasn’t afraid of it defining me.
I submit because I know who am, I love me, I am not afraid, and I know who I belong to.
TW – self harm, depression
It was harder and harder to concentrate on tasks.
I stopped writing.
I was frequently asking for clarification of tasks and instructions from Dr. Payne.
Then I stopped obeying all together.
I know how to take care of myself. I know I should love myself. I know how to be obedient. When my head’s on straight, obedience to Dr. Payne is second nature. It sounds simple; yet, some days it is almost impossible to take care of myself, then a vicious circle starts:
- If I don’t take care of myself my depression takes over instead of Dr. Payne.
- If my depression takes over, I don’t want to take care of myself.
- If my depression takes over I stop trusting.
I had become certain Dr. Payne and Princess were plotting to kick me out of their lives.
That was it: I was hopelessly lost down the rabbit hole and couldn’t find my way out. Fear convinced me everyone wanted me there, nobody loved me, and nobody was going to help me find my way back to me. I felt stuck between the dead and living, in a limbo state I thought I would never have to visit again. I didn’t ask to go there, but once I was in that place I felt I deserved to be there.
I re-read my writings; I knew I wrote this, but I suddenly had no idea who this person was and how I was going to be like that again. I had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone I thought I had dismissed years ago.
But being stuck in that place it became extremely hard to ask or even want help. I was convinced I deserved every bad thing that happened.
It has now become a loop. I’ll have few good days, but then I am hopelessly lost again. They are becoming fewer and farther apart, but I still have some awful downward spirals. They can las moments, but often are several hours.
So how do I get back to where I want to be; need to be?
- Supporting my partners!
- Kneeling at my Dominant’s feet!
I have thoughts. I have a plan. This is not a day-by-day or week-by-week process, it’s more like minute by minute, and hour by hour. I hope that soon minutes will extend into hours, hours will extend into days, and days will extend into weeks. Then I’ll know I’m making progress. For now I have to measure progress by minutes and hours.
This process to get back to a healthy mental state starts with some serious self-evaluation. You must be able to admit you need help, then you must take the steps to get the help. You must allow the people around you to help and support you. Easier said than done.
If you are in this hole with me as you read this; trust me, we can do this no matter what our brain is telling us.
Without help and intervention you can get stuck in issues of fear and react to the people around you with hostility.
You must have your Dom’s support in this. Below are some of the steps I am taking, all with Dr. Payne’s support:
- I talked to my partners and told them I was struggling.
- I found a kink-friendly therapist.
- Being able to speak openly about my dynamic and partners was especially important.
- When I could not find anyone locally that said they were kink-friendly, I looked for therapists that said they were sex-positive or LGBTQ+ friendly and sent them an email to ask. Don’t give up; this is a really important step.
- I am doing all the things my therapist has told me to do:
- Purchased the book she recommended.
- Spending time outside more often.
- Connecting with friends even if it is just online.
- Exercising again.
- Getting enough sleep:
- I was staying up too late not always doing anything terribly worth-while.
- Watching what I eat, and eating enough:
- Historically I had been a stress eater, but now I was having trouble wanting to eat. Low-blood sugar is not helping my moods.
- Reading again:
- Intellectually stimulating fiction and non-fiction, to change my negative thought patterns.
Don’t run away and hide; stay connected to your friends and community, and people who will encourage a healthy mindset.
Avoid people who:
- Pity your mental illness,
- Try to compare their pain as being worse than yours.
- Openly scold you for feeling that way.
Fear and depression will tell you nobody loves you, but this isn’t true. You need compassion, from others and for yourself.
I went down the rabbit hole, it didn’t happen over-night. My depression was slow and sneaky. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was already lost. The road back to stable, manageable days will not happen overnight either, and it’s not something to be taken lightly. Do the work, listen to the people who genuinely care.
Concentrating is still hard, but I have started to write again. Gradually I am finding myself again.
I love Christmas it is my favorite feast day. The holiday season makes me feel beautiful even if I tend to hide behind the gifts and sparkles and lights. This holiday is about family, not me. However, if you look close enough kinky sexy me is still there.
In my first public scene, I was terrified. I knew Dr. Payne expected me to be naked. He intended to help me get over my personal body issues. He was also testing my trust and obedience.
My personal self-image has come a long way even if there are moments, I loathe all the little imperfections and scars.
For the most part, being part of the kink community has given me a new outlook on how beautiful we all are all of our differences are what makes us beautiful.
For today here I stand in the open, naked in nature confident and happy with the image of me I see. Today I am okay with me.
I love the sexy lacy things but still, there are the moments I just still want to just be naked. It’s cold, and hardwood floors do not give warmth. Therefore here I am cuddled in a warm blanket.