Random spankings, I love these. Those moments of normal domestic life when I pass Dr. Payne, and he grabs me, bends me over something and swats my ass a few times. I love that warm feeling like my butt is glowing. Such a lovely innocent way to put kink into our everyday routine. Those brief moments when I can focus on us and our power exchange.
However, on this occasion something was different. I thought nothing of it when we passed each other in the bedroom one Saturday morning, and Dr. Payne bent me over the bed. I smiled with anticipation.
Two or three swats, and instead of the calm warmth I often feel; I was clawing at the bed cover with dread of what I was suddenly aware was about to happen. I felt it welling up in my chest, that tight feeling, as my eyes began to water. It only took a moment: I was sobbing.
These were not tears of pain, instead it was that gasping, clawing, mewling sob that comes from somewhere deep inside until it makes its way to the surface in cathartic release. I wasn’t even a planned release we often expect from a scene, when we know we need to get something out. This was sudden, shocking and I was unprepared for it.
Was it actually the spanking or had the process started as soon as I bent over? Putting myself in a physical position of surrender reminds me that Dr. Payne has me, he owns. He wants me to express my pain. In expressing my pain and releasing all my suppressed negative emotions, I am more capable of fully surrendering.
Misery requires attention, and the pain gives me an opportunity to focus on that thing some frustration or emotion pain that must be addressed. If I give in and allow the cleansing of the emotional wound, I am opening myself up for growth. It would be so easy to just accept the pain but ignore where the core of the pain is coming from.
If I didn’t allow the cleansing, but instead used the pain as a distraction from whatever it was, I really needed to confront or focus on, I would be missing an amazing opportunity for healing and growth.
Often what I need to release is as minor as some frustration from a bad work week. However, this time, as can often be the case, it was is so much more: The buildup of weeks of stress. In some cases, it is an accumulation of years of emotional pain I have tried desperately to bury and ignore. But here it was these raw emotions spilling out onto the bed cover.
Though I may try to presume most days are ordinary they are not always. Somedays my anxiety is set off by the smallest of things: Two or more people at work demanding my attention at once, an errant driving cutting me off on the highway, or even some small task I forgot to do suddenly remembered. The act of submitting for Dr Payne in these moments allow me the opportunity to expel unresolved emotions. My pain, anxiety, and thoughts about the world around me, are not random they are opportunities for growth.